Rapper's Delight Brian Williams Style

This is proof that anything that comes out of Brian Williams' mouth is majestic enough to lull a baby to sleep. Doesn't matter if this guy is covering the Olympics, rapping, or reporting a mass murder--it's always good news when Brian Williams is telling it.






P.S. - Hank reminds me of Ollie Williams. Is that racist?

Daniel Bryan or Ben Affleck as batman

Who would win in a fight 

Daniel Bryan 

Or the Ben affleck as batman 

I think I'm going with the Goat on this one, Daniel Bryan is a stud, affleck is like super tough and all........ But it's hard to think that Bryan will ever lose a fight, I think I would take Bryan over superman honestly, you can't stop him, but let know what you guys think! 

Comcast is About to Rub Their Nipples Right in Your Face.

You know how when you call Comcast and they treat you like crap because they know you can't switch? They already merged with NBC and are about to swallow Time Warner (the second largest cable company) and become mega-awful. They won't have to give you decent prices or listen to any of your problems because they will be so huge that your problems don't matter, and there will be nothing you can do about it. Picture ants yelling to you before you accidentally step on them, except you are the ant. Also, big mergers always mean job cuts and give smaller companies even less of a chance to compete. Now would probably be a good time for us to tell the FCC to deny this merger (which they can easily do if there is pressure against it).

Click to Oppose the Nipple Rubbing

Throwback Thursday: New Kids On The Block - Step By Step

Respect these boys.

Mayor of Titty City

Just wanted to post this video cause Big Red inspired me with his last post.

There's Gay and Then There's Gay

Love this short from Key and Peele. These guys can be hit or miss sometimes, but when they hit, they hit hard.

This is just a great example of how there is gay and then there is GAYYY. See, I come from a family that is riddled with blue-collar people. My grandmother spanked her kids and all my uncles swear like sailors. I'm not saying hitting kids and swearing is right or wrong, but I'm just saying I am the product of a very open family. We say what we feel and in the privacy of our own home there is absolutely no politically correctness in our speech. We swear, and argue, and make jokes in poor taste constantly. And I think this is fine.

It's like my old English teacher told me back in high school when we were talking about the difference between saying "I am well" and "I am good." If someone asks you how you are doing, the correct response would be "I am well." I knew and understood this very well, but I told my teacher that it didn't change the fact that saying "I am well" still sounded awkward and I prefered to speak more colloquially. She agreed with me and basically said that in an informal setting, it's fine to speak incorrectly as long as you are effectively communicating your point--so long as you understand the correct way to say things and you use the correct way in formal situations like in writing or when you are meeting with a professional. So what does this have to do with being gay vs. being gay? Well, my point is that even though I grew up in a very blue collar house, I received a very politically correct education. In western Mass, where I went to college, being politically correct is a HUGE deal. Race and gender and fairness play into absolutely everything. I worked at a VERY progressive non-profit too--the kind where everyone is vegan and gluten free and agnostic and you better not say anything bad about the color blue because it might be someone's favorite. I'm not kidding, I once got scolded for referring to the two other girls I interned with as "the girls" because I was generalizing or being sexist or something. Can't clump people together like that I guess. Basically, I kind of felt like, as a man, you can't really talk about women at all to some people without them being offended. And I get it--but I also don't think it's worth it sometimes to be such an offended person. So even though I also believed in complete and utter equality and being nice to people, I still threw words around like retard, gay, even sometimes n-bombs while around close family and friends. And if you're looking at this saying OMG that's SO wrong, well, I have to disagree with you. You are one of the overly politically correct people that annoy me sometimes. You dont have to be a prejudice person to sometimes say things that could be considered prejudice. None of us are perfectly unoffensive. If you think you dont have an ounce of racism or sexism or any other kind of prejudice against people who arent just like you, you are lying. The important thing is you dont let it be a defining quality. And to be aware when youre being prejudice and know it's wrong even if you still are a little SINCE WE ALL ARE. It's like what Dr. MLK said, "There is some evil in the best of us and some good in the worst of us. And he who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love." Freaking out at people's non-p/c-ness is only meeting percieved negativity with real negativity. Don't attack them, teach them.

I think that just like it's okay to use informal language sometimes even if you know it's wrong, it's okay to use offensive words when there is no one around to be offended by them, so long as you don't actually hold offensive beliefs and you are not actively offending someone. There is definitely a fine line to walk as you may expect. You just have to be smart about it. We can't all be p/c robots all the time without spontaneously combusting. As bad as it is to offend people, it's equally as bad to walk on eggshells your whole life, having to be nervous about your word choice around every corner and in front of every person. I think it should be a two sided effort. One for people who are too offensive to stop being that way, and one for people who take offense too easily to stop too. It's no way to go through life. You have to enjoy it. And if that means throwing around a few "fucks" or "fags" or "retards" every now and then, it really doesn't bother me. There are people in my life very close to me who are of all sorts of genders, races, sexual orientations, mental capacities, so it's not like I don't understand how it could be offensive if you wanted it to be. Just don't be dumb about it. I have red hair and it doesn't bother me one bit when people call me a ginger. I am. A ginger has red hair. I have red hair. It's only offensive if I let it be.

I guess I don't know completely what I'm saying here. But at the same time I feel like a lot of people can agree with where I'm coming from. Maybe the gist is that I sometimes have a hard time reconciling my blue collar side and my politically correct side, and the truth is, I don't think there is a problem with either one of them. Which brings me back to the video above. When I or someone else calls someone GAY, we are not necessarily saying there is something wrong with their sexual orientation--at least not to me. What I'd be referring to is ACTING GAY (which there is also not necessarily a problem with). It's the flamboyancy and annoyingness that the dude in that clip possesses.

Who knows, maybe I'm just too much of my mother's son to see things correctly. Maybe we shouldn't use any words that could be seen as offensive. But there will always be someone who is offended. So maybe just don't use the words that offend the most people. But I think what the takeaway here is, is for some of you overly offended people to realize what Key and Peele just realized: You're not being persecuted. You're just being an asshole.

I'll conclude with  a twist on one of my favorite Michael Scott quotes: You don't call gays gay. You call your friends gay when they're acting like fags." Makes sense to me.

World Cup Preview and Predictions

Why are you talking about soccer? Bernie Mac are you some type of gay? Soccer is for girls. Shove a dick in your butt if you think that. Soccer is the most viewed sport in the world. The guys who rag on soccer are usually the guys who are missing a couple brain cells and are just complete meat heads. But we are talking about the greatest sports tournament in the world. Suck a fat one if you think differently.
So I will breakdown the groups and give you my prediction on who advances to the next round.

 Just a fucking cake walk for the host team. You had to see it coming. Croatia always has the filthiest jerseys but nothing past that. Mexico has taken the biggest dump in their pants and literally crawled into this world cup. Cameroon is known just for Samuel Eto'o. Pick: Brazil obviously, Croatia 

Do not sleep on Chile! ranked 15th in the world and will for sure make some noise. Spain one of the favorites obviously after winning the Eurocup and the last World Cup. Netherlands are the most physical team in the tourney and Australia will get raped.  Pick: Spain, CHILE

Group C is a silent assassin. This group will have some great games. Colombia has unbelievable skill and Japan has unbelievable finesse. Greece has the size and the Ivory Coast has speed and Drogba. Greece will have the roughest time in this group and I don't see them making it out. Pick: Colombia wins and Ivory Coast advances. 

People have been saying this is the group of death but there are also people who say 9/11 was a conspiracy. This is not the group of death, literally punch whoever says this is. Italy is old as fuck. Buffon the goalie im pretty sure is like 42. England is just England. Uruguay knows how to play big and they will play well in the tourney. Costa Rica is just glad to be there. Pick: Uruguay, England. Sorry Spaghetti Faces.

Great mix of teams. Not really much of a scouting report in this group. Switz are ranked higher than France by Fifa rankings but I still got France on this one. Pick: France, Switz

The biggest cake walk for Argentina. It actually angers me when a group like this is made. Just gonna be a rape trail for Argentina. Pick: Argentina, (dont even want to pick another) Nigeria

THE GROUP OF DEATH. Let me just say before that I am so America (not American, America) it hurts. But honestly I don't see them making it out of the group. I think they prob will come in last in this group. Ghana Black Stars have eliminated the US in the last two tourneys. USA will struggle which sucks for their program because I feel like they have picked up a lot of support throughout the years leading up to the World Cup. Pick: Germany, PORTUGAL 

Some good teams. Korea is a really really solid squad. Russia will just Putin the shit out of this group and honestly fuck Algeria. Who cares about Algeria? Pick: Russia, Korea
World Cup Winner: Brazil. Hate myself for picking them but they got the home court and they have a great team. They will beat Germany in the finals with pure speed. Germany is a big team but in the heat down there they won't stay with them. This is gonna be a great tournament and expect my team Portugal to make some noise. 

Fake Government Snow in Atlanta Gives Millions of People a Bad Day For No Reason

So, if you have been watching the news at all for the past week or so, you probably know that there was a HUGE catastrophic blizzard that hit Atlanta Georgia and sent the whole surrounding area into a state of panic and completely destroyed all ability to live. Yes, they got hit with a whopping 2 inches of snow. Wait, what the fuck? Did I hear myself correctly? Look, I know they aren't used to snow down there and probably don't have a budget to pay for sand and salt trucks, but come the fuck on. I've been in New England my whole life, I have had to drive on snowy, untreated roads before and, if you drive carefully, it's really not that bad. I would voluntarily drive in blizzards just to get to the store when I needed something. And I'm talking feet of snow when this happens, not inches. Yup, two goddamn inches. Everyone crashed and abandoned their cars, left their small children for dead on the side of the road, started gouging their eyes out at the horror, and simply and spontaneously died from 2 inches of snow.

Anyway, I didn't think that Atlanta could embarrass itself more than somehow turning a dusting of snow into an apocalypse, but they somehow exceeded all of my expectations. You ever get caught in a lie, and then instead of telling the truth you just use another lie and get yourself even deeper? Well that is how some people reacted to getting shamed after how they dealt with a little snow. Instead of being like, yeah, we know we suck so much, we should probably secede from the Union because we are an embarrassment to the rest of America, they decided to shove their heads even further up their own asses and come up with this idea that the reason all this happened was because this was not normal snow. Oh no, this was diabolical chemically engineered evil government super snow sent to destroy them. There are probably at least ten videos just like this one out there right now and they all have in the hundreds of thousands of views. So many people will never get that time back in their lives after watching these. Why do they think this? Because when they try to melt it with a flame, it doesn't turn right into water!

Well for fucks sake, with all that evidence, how could anything else be true. Clearly the government wanted to kill you all with fake snow that is exactly like real snow? This is what makes me ponder the idea that we should kill all the people below a certain IQ level. I would never do it, but stuff like this makes me think about it really hard. Honestly, what makes you think the government can create its own weather? They can't make the simplest decisions. They can't even spy on our phones without one of their own employees spoiling the secret to all of us--and you think they created a 2-inch snow storm? Do do what? Make you cold? What would it even accomplish? We have the most advanced military in the world--if they wanted you dead, you would all have biochemically engineered poison running through your tap, or better yet, they'd just blow the whole city up in one fell swoop and restart--which I'm starting to think wouldn't be such a bad idea.

When you know absolutely nothing about snow because you live in the south, other than that it is made of water, you really shouldn't set yourself up for failure like this. So let me explain why you are so dumb. First of all, have you ever tried to melt snow before? Because the first time you do something, I don't think you're allowed to make a conspiracy theory out of it if the results aren't what you thought they'd be. Listen Atlantians, the snow IS melting. You know what happens to snow when it melts?--it soaks the water up into itself and turns to SLUSH! Why the hell do you think when they put the juice in your snow-cone it doesn't just drip right out the bottom? Obviously, if you kept melting it, it would turn to water after the slush melted too. And the black that shows up on the snow in some of these videos doesn't prove that the snow isn't snow--it proves that you're using a lighter. The combustion of the chemicals in your lighter that produce the flame create carbon formations that are black, otherwise known as soot. It's why practically everything you burn with a direct flame turns black. The black is from the lighter, not some weird chemical make-up of the snow. Watch, put the damn snow in a hot pan on the stove and it will melt into heavier slush, and then that will melt into water and stay right in the pan so you can prove to yourself how dumb you are.

I'll tell ya, southerners, you're really not helping yourselves. You just don't get it. You keep thinking you can take all your bad ideas and trick everyone into thinking they are good ideas. Slavery, the Tea Party, inbreeding, government snow conspiracies? You're really not helping your cause.

In conclusion, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard. At no point in your video were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber having listened to it. I award you no points, and may god have mercy on your soul.




P.S. - Unless of course, ever since you lost the civil war, you decided that we'd never let you leave on your own terms, and concluded that the only way to get out of the union was to trick us into thinking you're so dumb that we just get completely fed up and voluntarily kick you out. Sounds crazy. So crazy it just might work.

Paul Pierce Return To Boston (Added Post Game Interview Video)

Well I know I am like 4 or 5 days late on this but fucking sue me. I have been thinking about this subject everyday and I can’t get out of my head. Seeing Paul Pierce (and KG) playing the Boston Celtics in a Brooklyn Nets uniform was one of the hardest things I think I ever had to watch. And believe me I have seen some gross stuff. I was forced to watch some of Two Girls One Cup and trust me when I say I almost passed out. But back to the Truth, I always said Tom Brady retiring will be the saddest day of my sports life then Paul Pierce retiring will be second (Never added a third one but seeing Nomar leaving flirts with the three spot). I HATE Danny Ainge. I actually want that on my tombstone for when I go. Then under that I want “You Only YOLO Once” then under that “Ducks Fly Together” Then under that “Undisputed Rock, Paper, Scissors Champion of the Universe”.

I told CShepRKO when Pierce was traded that when he comes to the Garden and hits a step back jumper from the elbow it will be one of the toughest things I will ever have to watch. And even though it took him till the 3^rd quarter to do it, he did it. The tribute videos for both of them The Garden did were awesome. I know people complained about the timing of it but whatever. The Garden erupted when they came out in the introductions and obviously you got to respect the crowd for that. What I don’t like is the crowd cheering him on when 20 seconds were left and he got the ball to hit the half time buzzer beater. Don’t do that. You don’t ever want to cheer for an opponent scoring on your team.

So onto the topic of retiring the numbers. I’m not talking about Paul Pierce when I talk about this. Paul Pierce will obviously get the 34 up into the rafters when he is done with the game. Before the game started I would say Kevin Garnett doesn’t get the 5 up there. I would say he should just get the 21 up in Minnesota and that’s it. But after seeing the post game interview I am 100% on the bandwagon for him to retire his number. It is one of the most bone chilling things I have ever heard.

We will still bleed green.

Super Bowl Commercial Winner: Doritos

Called it from the jump. No contest. If you think different take a hike. Dog and horse was good and I have seen a shitload of soldier returning videos on Youtube that were a little better. Doritos trump all. If you aren't down with that (DX hand moves) then suck it!

Super Bowl Wrap Up

Super Bowl XLVIII was one for the ages. Even though the lead didn't change once in the game it was one hell of a statement game. It all goes back to one of the oldest sayings in sports, defense wins championships. Offenses are for the record books. As a Pats fan I know that i'm not an idiot. I obviously would of loved to see the Pats win against the Giants those two Super Bowls but honestly, we didn't have the right defense. Tom Brady is god but god only plays one side of the ball. Those three championships we had great defenses.

So lets talk defense. For the Broncos, there wasn't any. Just got bent over and took it. Took it straight in the ass. But the Seahawks defense gave me a hard on. Watching them putting a lickin on every receiver that came across the middle CLEANLY was unreal. Just so arousing. Just giving the Broncos no Yards After Reception which was visibly frustrating for them. They were able to get in Manning's head which not a lot of AFC teams have done to him this year. Getting a pocket passer off his rhythm is key and the Seahawks were able to do that. Only seems right Malcom Smith a defensive player got MVP.

BUT DON'T SLEEP ON RUSSELL WILSON! I never really thought of him as a great quarterback till that game. Unreal poise for a second year man. Just  delivered every ball just so crisp and on the money it was great to watch. He does a great peel move when he gets in trouble to buy him time that almost wishes we had a mobile quarterback. He is a great guy and you have to feel good for him. But I said before the players even put on their jockstraps that Percy Harvin would be the X factor and his speed is stupid fast. Just big explosive plays and the kickoff return really ignited this team. This team was too complete overall and I am very happy for them and Pete Carroll.  I just want to say a little more on Peyton Manning. If Tom Brady was some Joe Schmo then Manning would be my guy. Hysterical off the field and great on. Easily will go down as the greatest regular season quarterback of all time. But that is all he will get. Top 5 mention when all said in done maybe scoop up the third spot in top 3 but a loss like that kicks him out of top 2 discussion. I would of been pissed if he won because everyone would of put him past Brady in their books. But just like Brady with his unreal season in 07... They lost. Hope Manning never wins another one but something tells me he won't go out till he gets another. Unfortunately for him I got a feeling that Tom Brady has 2 more in him. He is just too hot not to get too more.

End of the day the rack trumps all.

Happy Post Super Bowl Monday

How I feel knowing football season is over... 

(Super Bowl blog coming soon)

1/30/14 picks

Few picks again tonight, starting with Marquette 1st half -2.5 for 1 unit. Marquette under buzz Williams after a SU loss is 17-2 ATS in the 1st half of the next game. 

Other than that pick I just have .5 units on a parlay including 

Marquette 1H -2.5 

BYU -13

Leafs/panther o5.5

Ducks ML

Sharks ML 

To win 7 units. We'll see how shit goes tonight 

Throwback Thursday: Push It by Salt-N-Pepa

Honestly if you don't fuck with Salt-N-Pepa then I don't fuck with you.

1/28/14 picks

Absolutely killed it last night with those picks.. Put 3 units on the bruins over 

And parlayed the bruins over and kings under for 1.7 units. 

Ended the night with a solid 6.43 unit profit, leaving me +11.13 units so far... I can't be stopped, I am the Texas rattlesnake of betting. 

Recap: leafs won 3-2 so I would have lost my bet, luckily I fell asleep for 4 hours today and didn't have time to put my bet in... I'm still the rattle snake fuck with me

Royal Rumble 2014 Review

Not much love for the Royal Rumble last night. I caught some of it and there were some things that ticked me off but overall I enjoyed it. Absolutely loved the Orton vs Cena match. Even though it ended with my hometown boy Cena losing to Cam's fantasy man Orton I loved the match. I hope these two continue feuding till Wrestlemania. That should honestly be the main event but Cena can't have them all. Love the feeling of the WWE going back to the famous good vs evil story lines.

But on to the Royal Rumble itself, Bautista had no right winning that. Anyone else should have won but him. I can’t wait to see who they pin him with at Wrestlemania. If Bautista stays as the headline match at Wrestlemania he has to lose. Ricky Pancakes agrees with me that it will be stupid if he wins because they will keep him until he loses then he will retire. They did that shit with The Rock and it would be dumb to do it again. Another problem I had was that Kane fucking cheated. He took CM Punk out of it. I’m assuming that is to set them up for a match too but that is fucking stupid. Another thing I had a problem with was how the fuck do you disrespect JBL like that? Guy has never been in a Royal Rumble and the first one he is ever in he gets bounced in 2 minutes because he was taking off his suit jacket. The last thing I had a problem with was Rey Mysterio being the last one out of the gate. The 30 spot is saved for the biggest baddest mother-trucker out there. Not small Rey Mysterio. Don’t get me wrong Mysterio is an animal. Just not a big animal. Actually I lied, the last problem I have is that my boy Fandango didn’t win.
But as I am watching Monday Night Raw Daniel Bryan is the new face of the WWE. They can keep dragging CM Punk and Cena but times are changing and this guy is the new face of this organization. Unbelievable that Daniel Bryan wasn’t in the Royal Rumble. HUGE fuck up by the WWE. I think whatever they say on why he wasn’t in it, they simply fucked up. Whether you hate it or love it you can't deny it is fucking contagious. YES YES YES!
Note* Kofi Kingston will win a Royal Rumble within the next 5 years. Mark My Words.

My Bone To Pick With Macklemore & The Grammys

The new face of rap music ^ 
So I watched The Grammys and Wrestlemania last night (blog on that coming soon) and the hot ticket last night was Cam's boy Macklemore. Macklemore swept the rap categories and I have to say I am not too happy about it. I respect Macklemore for what he does I just don't like his music. I don't think it is right for him to win the rap categories. Throw him in something else I don't care. Kendrick Lamar deserved to win for "Good Kid M.A.A.D. City". The album was unreal. I just think it is a shot to rap all together having Macklemore win it. I'm probably the biggest dickhead for saying it but it is what it is. THE BIGGEST PROBLEM I have with all of this is that Macklemore's album "The Heist" came out in 2012 (so did Kendricks). The Grammy's don't go by the gregorian calendar. It is fucking stupid. The music's eligibility for the 2014 was from Oct. 2012 - Sept. 2013. So that means the chart-topping albums from Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus, Katy Perry, and Eminem's album won't be eligible till next years. All in all, The 2014 Grammys were just "ehh". Some highs, some lows, and some wtf. Also if this photo text on instagram between Macklemore and Kendrick is true I respect Macklemore. If not then fuck him.
Ps. The Kendrick performance was sweet

How Exciting Was The Pro Bowl Last Night?

No fucking clue. Didn't have any desire to watch it. Didn't care that it was a fantasy draft. Didn't care that teammates were hitting teammates. Didn't care that it came down to one point. I just didn't fucking care about any of it. It sucks too because every other sport I will watch at least some of it. The only one I will watch is the MLB All Star Game because there is something worth playing. I love it. And I'm not even that big of a baseball fan, but I love the MLB All Star Game. My advice to the NFL is to just cancel the fucking thing. Or make it a 7 v 7 flag football game or something. I think I would rather watch that. Give the players their Pro Bowl honors then let them do whatever they want. Unfortunately football is something you can't really go 50% when you play. Just ask Bill "Pussy Slayer" Belichick, when he was blowing the jock strap off every team in 07 he told the media you can't go 50% or someone gets hurt. The Pro Bowl just sucks and I honestly have no idea how they can save it. As for Nick Foles getting the MVP? cool. I don't know just don't really care. Cuncel the Pro Bowl.


 "Seth Kaplan of FOX 9 News in Minnesota reported that the game received 11.7 million viewers on Sunday, which was a half-million fewer than the 12.2 million viewers the game received in 2013. There were 12.5 million viewers in 2012, per Kaplan. Read more at http://www.philly.com/philly/sports/sbnation/SBNation_20140127_Pro_Bowl_2014__Ratings_drop_despite_overhaul.html#ipZ7IoOYzfbvDbiU.99"

The fuckin picks 1/27/14

Only have a few picks tonight, I'm going with the bruins islanders o5.5 and the kings sharks u5. 

Islanders have gone over the posted total in 5 of the past 5 games, bruins will be playing a goalie with a 3.03 GAA. Bruins have been scoring quite a bit lately especially after that 6-1 win over philly, not to mention the The islanders are 3-11 in their past 14 home games and 1-4 in their last 5 when their opponent scores 5 goals or more in it's previous contest. Even with chad johnson in net I think the b's get the W and the total goes over 

Prediction: B's take it 4-3 in regulation 

Sharks kings are both good teams, even though the kings have been playing like absolute garbage, quick will be in net for them, and will keep the sharks low scoring, and in net for the sharks is the infamous Alex Stalock, he's had two starts this season going 2-0 with both games being shutouts. He has stopped 44 shots in a row with a 0.76 GAA and .977 SV% at home this season. I think he plays another great game and quick plays outstanding as always, I say sharks win 2-1 in regulation. Hopefully I can take in some cash tonight, I need it $$$$$$

Snake out 

1/25/14 picks

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Happy Friday!

Have a good one writers and readers, I'm giving you the week off 

Possible first ever Daily Something Video from the charity event Big Red and I are doing Sunday. Let's hope my legs don't fall off!

Seriously, who are the psychopaths that run fake celebrity twitters?

Fill Werrell? that's hilarious...

I do not understand what kind of psycho takes the time to run one of these things. I really don't get it. first off, what's the point? You get all these followers but they don't know who you are... You're not famous because you have 2 million followers. Give it up...

Secondly, Not one of their tweets are original. literally, they all just copy and paste each other. the worst part about it is they tweet the same exact shit. it's the same lame jokes every day.

the Worst of the Worst are the ones that tweet inspirational tweets. Do you seriously think people get inspired by a fake fucking twitter account? all these people need to get locked up in loony bins. 

Another thing, how the fuck does this one have 2 million followers? what the fuck... who are the 2 million people who follow a fake Will Ferrell twitter? they all need to be locked up in loony bins with them. They can share the same stupid jokes with each other in there... so we don't gotta deal with it. 

#jack nicholson#one flew over the cuckoo's nest#one flew over the cuckoos nest#best movie#gif#funny#funny gif#crazy#shit#on the floor#everything#nicholson#great acting#acting#actor

473 notes

Is this "Average"?

Honestly, one of my biggest pet peeves about chicks' pictures online is that I swear you'd think the point was to deceive you instead of actually show you what they look like. Like, if every picture is so close I can see your boogers, I'm gonna assume you are a beluga whale outside the frame. If all you pictures have fancy filters on them, I'm gonna assume you have bad acne or some shit. If all of your pictures are with other, prettier girls, you're not gonna look prettier by association; in fact, you're gonna stick out like a fat sore thumb. If you are wearing sun glasses in every picture, I have to automatically knock you down from a 7 to a 5 cuz why else would you be hiding? Look, the point is, unless you wana get on the the show cat fish, there is no point to tricking people into thinking you look hotter than you are. You just gotta be honest. You'll have to settle for someone who's into your caliber of women, but hey, it's better than wasting your time. I wana know what you're going to look like when I am sitting directly across from you, not what you look like from this such angle, in this such filter, with this such hat on, 5 years ago when you used to be 20 such pounds lighter.

But the worst offenders are the ones who just straight up contradict what you can see in plain sight. Exhibit A, this girl who listed her body type as "Average."

What in the name of Pistol Pete are you talking about? You must have misread the question "What is your body type" as "What is your body type in relation to the average Division 3 college lineman,"--easy mistake. I can see you right here in this picture that you consumed two whole leopards immediately before this photo was taken and then fashioned their skin into your dress. You are clearly heavyset at best. It's one thing to be overweight. But to be overweight and think that I'm gonna see the word "average" and be like, "Oh, well she looks fat in all six of these pictures, but she must not be cuz, I mean, she put average, dude," is ludicrous. I'm sure you're a nice girl and all down (really, really) deep, but self denial is not healthy, babe. And neither are those 12 baconators I know you have stuffed in your purse. I guess some people just have a very subjective definition of average.

Big Red, out.

P.S. - That 12 burgers line reminded me. Next time I go to the McDonalds drive-thru and they ask what I want, I kinda wana just try saying "The value menu."

P.P.S. - Or maybe this in genius? Maybe I'll put that I'm 6'3" and have to buy especially tailored pants to fit my Jurassic Pork and when they meet me in person they will just forget? 

Week 1 of Okcupid, Soul Mate Found.

As promised I've started my journey for love on OkCupid. Noticed a couple trends right off the bat. First of all, one of the basic profile questions is "What is the first thing people notice about you," and I shit you not, 98.9% of the girls on there say my smile and my eyes. Try being a little creative ladies, everyone knows people notice your eyes and mouth first for cryin out loud; probably because you are talking to them and hence they have to.

"I think we both know."

My personal favorite was from this girl who we'll say has a "healthy" chest. her answer to "what do most people first notice about you" was "I think we both know." Love it. Straight to the point and honest. That's what you need in a soul mate. She also answered the question, "How would you categorize your sex drive compared to other people your age and gender?" She could have picked average, above average, below average. Nope, she picks "insatiable." Aka if she's not chewing on a tubesteak or blowing a beef whistle for more than a couple minutes, all hell breaks loose. There ain't a fire hose this side of the Mississippi that has enough water in the tank to satisfy this chick's yearning for the ol' purple-headed yogurt slinger. It don't matter if your meat thermometer's about to ding, this turkey needs more cookin! She's the Hercules to your one-eyed-monster. The King Arthur to your Excalibur. The Poo-Bear to your honey hose. The Bin Laden to your weapon of ass destruction. The Kobayashi to your mayo shooting hotdog gun. The Laura Croft to your Womb Raider. She-lika-da-way-da-dick-taste.

Anyway, to the question: "Would you allow your partner to decide what you wear to bed?" she said "Yes, always." I'll tell ya what, be careful what you wish for Ms. "Verdictless" (her screen name) cuz I've got more ideas on what you should wear to bed than days left in your life. Next question: "Have you ever had sex with a person within the first hour of meeting them?" Answer: "Yes." Well, I came to this site to find my soul mate and avoid the weird sex addict people, but I think what we've learned here today is that if you look a little deeper, you find that Jesus is trying to tell me that they are one in the same. I'll see you on wedding day. Best part is, she's already dressed.