Fake Government Snow in Atlanta Gives Millions of People a Bad Day For No Reason

So, if you have been watching the news at all for the past week or so, you probably know that there was a HUGE catastrophic blizzard that hit Atlanta Georgia and sent the whole surrounding area into a state of panic and completely destroyed all ability to live. Yes, they got hit with a whopping 2 inches of snow. Wait, what the fuck? Did I hear myself correctly? Look, I know they aren't used to snow down there and probably don't have a budget to pay for sand and salt trucks, but come the fuck on. I've been in New England my whole life, I have had to drive on snowy, untreated roads before and, if you drive carefully, it's really not that bad. I would voluntarily drive in blizzards just to get to the store when I needed something. And I'm talking feet of snow when this happens, not inches. Yup, two goddamn inches. Everyone crashed and abandoned their cars, left their small children for dead on the side of the road, started gouging their eyes out at the horror, and simply and spontaneously died from 2 inches of snow.

Anyway, I didn't think that Atlanta could embarrass itself more than somehow turning a dusting of snow into an apocalypse, but they somehow exceeded all of my expectations. You ever get caught in a lie, and then instead of telling the truth you just use another lie and get yourself even deeper? Well that is how some people reacted to getting shamed after how they dealt with a little snow. Instead of being like, yeah, we know we suck so much, we should probably secede from the Union because we are an embarrassment to the rest of America, they decided to shove their heads even further up their own asses and come up with this idea that the reason all this happened was because this was not normal snow. Oh no, this was diabolical chemically engineered evil government super snow sent to destroy them. There are probably at least ten videos just like this one out there right now and they all have in the hundreds of thousands of views. So many people will never get that time back in their lives after watching these. Why do they think this? Because when they try to melt it with a flame, it doesn't turn right into water!

Well for fucks sake, with all that evidence, how could anything else be true. Clearly the government wanted to kill you all with fake snow that is exactly like real snow? This is what makes me ponder the idea that we should kill all the people below a certain IQ level. I would never do it, but stuff like this makes me think about it really hard. Honestly, what makes you think the government can create its own weather? They can't make the simplest decisions. They can't even spy on our phones without one of their own employees spoiling the secret to all of us--and you think they created a 2-inch snow storm? Do do what? Make you cold? What would it even accomplish? We have the most advanced military in the world--if they wanted you dead, you would all have biochemically engineered poison running through your tap, or better yet, they'd just blow the whole city up in one fell swoop and restart--which I'm starting to think wouldn't be such a bad idea.

When you know absolutely nothing about snow because you live in the south, other than that it is made of water, you really shouldn't set yourself up for failure like this. So let me explain why you are so dumb. First of all, have you ever tried to melt snow before? Because the first time you do something, I don't think you're allowed to make a conspiracy theory out of it if the results aren't what you thought they'd be. Listen Atlantians, the snow IS melting. You know what happens to snow when it melts?--it soaks the water up into itself and turns to SLUSH! Why the hell do you think when they put the juice in your snow-cone it doesn't just drip right out the bottom? Obviously, if you kept melting it, it would turn to water after the slush melted too. And the black that shows up on the snow in some of these videos doesn't prove that the snow isn't snow--it proves that you're using a lighter. The combustion of the chemicals in your lighter that produce the flame create carbon formations that are black, otherwise known as soot. It's why practically everything you burn with a direct flame turns black. The black is from the lighter, not some weird chemical make-up of the snow. Watch, put the damn snow in a hot pan on the stove and it will melt into heavier slush, and then that will melt into water and stay right in the pan so you can prove to yourself how dumb you are.

I'll tell ya, southerners, you're really not helping yourselves. You just don't get it. You keep thinking you can take all your bad ideas and trick everyone into thinking they are good ideas. Slavery, the Tea Party, inbreeding, government snow conspiracies? You're really not helping your cause.

In conclusion, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard. At no point in your video were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber having listened to it. I award you no points, and may god have mercy on your soul.




P.S. - Unless of course, ever since you lost the civil war, you decided that we'd never let you leave on your own terms, and concluded that the only way to get out of the union was to trick us into thinking you're so dumb that we just get completely fed up and voluntarily kick you out. Sounds crazy. So crazy it just might work.